brushoff | ic contact

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"Hello. This is Dorian Gray's cellphone. I can't talk right now. Don't forget to leave me a message. If you're interesting, I'll get back to you."

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[ certain threads in this post contain nsfw content (sex, blood, violence, etc.) so, you know, don't read them where Gramma can look over your shoulder. just kind of a blanket trigger warning for gore & body horror as well ]

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Lemme guess, you're headed to Maurtia Falls, the haven of supposed depravity?

We only dated for a short time and yet you know me so well.

Hopefully this wretched hive of scum and villainy is ready for a wretched man of scum and villainy.

Don't you ever get tired of the scum and villainy? Then again, I guess it's built into who you are.

But surprisingly, I'm rather fond of the place myself. I've been thinking about moving there.

I'll throw you a housewarming party once everything's official.

Are you planning on throwing one for yourself first?

Undoubtedly.

Consider me invited.

[So, she just invited herself.]

Also, you're not planning on dragging furniture through the Porter, right?

Actually, I'm probably going to bribe Shade with wine to see if he'll help me out. At least, that's plan A.

Well, that's a more productive use of your friendship than robbing banks.

Robbing a bank was productive! Ill-informed, but still productive.

No, it wasn't.

Productive just means it achieves something. It allayed my boredom. Ergo, it was productive.

And then you made yourself bored for the next two months in jail. Or however long I left you in there.

I made myself SO bored. I was halfway considering carving a shank out of the soap and starting up my own prison gang before you sprung me loose.

And you STILL consider the robbery a success?

Look, there's not much else here I can claim as a success. It's either the robbery, dating a serial killer, or holding down a job for six months. None of those scream 'Dorian Gray: Model Citizen.'

That last one is definitely a selling point ...

For who?

Everyone not named Dorian Gray, apparently. I got you that job.

And I'm forever grateful for it. Otherwise I'd be back at corrupting the minds of the youth.

Did you see a lot of youth in prison? Because if so, I think there may be other things to worry about.

I was a counselor for prep school students before I got arrested! Those were the youth!

Did you actually go to that job?

My office had a computer that I could use to play Candy Crush instead of listening to rich little boys whine about how daddy doesn't love them. Plus, they kept calling me when I didn't show up.

[ so yes, but barely. ]

You know, it's really admirable how you're not a quitter. I mean, you don't quit your previous job, you don't quit defending your bank robbing, you haven't quit Loki's, and you didn't quit your campaign even if you hated every second of it.

I almost wonder how this is your most distinctly admirable trait.

Is it because it gives you both bragging AND whining rights?

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