What matters was that I wanted to live. Satisfaction or whatever doesn't enter into the equation. I was a coward who didn't want to accept the choices I made, so I killed three people to get out of that situation.
[Satisfaction is literally the whole equation for whether or not someone might look back on their life and be okay with letting go. Something Xie Lian has a lot of experience with from a lengthy lifetime of dealing with ghosts. But this is about Dorian, not a wider picture.] The desire to hold onto life can make people do many things. Sometimes things they'd do otherwise, anyway, sometimes not.
Most of the time, I killed them on one battlefield or another. They weren't people who'd done anything 'wrong', and most of them likely weren't there by true choice. I could've let them 'kill' me, instead.
I don't think murder is right. Immortality means having to live with all the choices you've made. Since it also means everyone else has to live with you, regret is no bad thing.
Oh, war's different than murder, [ Dorian points out, with a little frown. ] I've been in war as well. But...I suppose you're right about that much. You live with what you've done.
Mm. Though the difference can shrink, depending on how good you are at killing people. [He doesn't think the Judge was wrong to label the people he'd killed on the battlefield as murdered.] I don't think anyone gets through a normal lifespan without a few regrets, the more time you have, the more they pile up. Yet if I went back to the start, I'd still pick immortality.
...Of course, there are a number of bad choices that I'd still pick, even knowing the results. Which can make certain 'work relationships' a little awkward.
Oh, that part's fine. [Whether he'd killed enough people would probably be more contentious, if they talked.] Other issues from back then are less resolved. Which was fine while I was banished, but now...
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[ But not innocents, not like those poor kids who just were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Who were an opportunity that Dorian took. ]
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Most of the time, I killed them on one battlefield or another. They weren't people who'd done anything 'wrong', and most of them likely weren't there by true choice. I could've let them 'kill' me, instead.
I don't think murder is right. Immortality means having to live with all the choices you've made. Since it also means everyone else has to live with you, regret is no bad thing.
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...Of course, there are a number of bad choices that I'd still pick, even knowing the results. Which can make certain 'work relationships' a little awkward.
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Luckily, at home we can still do the mature thing and continue not to speak about anything.
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