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"You've reached the inbox of one Dorian Gray. Don't forget to leave me a message. If you're interesting, I'll get back to you."

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[A croaky version of his usual soft cadence:]

Hello. I was recently murdered by your inmate after conversationally provoking him in return for his attempt to conversationally provoke me.

I have a lot of warden friends who have feelings about it.

Would you be willing to share with me, or them, what you're doing and the reasoning behind it, since he's your inmate and I'm getting tired of trying to convince almost all the wardens I know that the only way this works is if the person who knows the inmate deals with the inmate?

Edited 2023-06-20 01:18 (UTC)

What I'm doing is keeping Johann away from you and all your lovely little warden friends who, let me remind you, are all affected by a flood at the moment. Everybody is going to stay away from each other until calmer heads prevail and this goddamn flood ends.

Though I do have to ask: what are you, five? Or are you going to happily blame the flood for the fact that you respond to provocation with upping the ante?

I'm five. [Coldly, until he realizes after a moment that's hypocritical when he's asking for context.

A small grunt and a sigh as he re-situates himself on Malcolm's couch.]

Flood. Personal, provocative questions from Johann. I'm a con man. Getting under people's skin and using it to my advantage is what I do. Johann is a murderer who likes knives. Tada, recipe for disaster. Should I have done it? No. Would I do it again? Honestly, no idea.

Then my initial suspicion that this is as much your fault as it is his still stands.

It takes two to tango, darling. Maybe focus on that when you're talking to Bright and then we can have an actual conversation.

[A long pause, and then genuine confusion:]

I thought that's what I was doing. 'Hi, your inmate provoked me, I provoked him back and got stabbed, I'm trying to get my warden friends to leave you the fuck alone, can you help.'

You lead with the fact that you're a con man. Plus, your warden has already bothered me—ooh, and I can't stand him, though I'm fully aware that it's not your fault Bright's an ass. And you've already got a few strikes against you, mostly due to your personality—nothing personal, I just find people who pick the most tedious subjects to monologue on intensely dull. That automatically makes me distrust you in the first place.

And honestly? I suspect I'm going to have assholes in my DMs no matter what you say because again, we're in a fucking flood and everybody has lost their goddamn mind.

Focus on healing up, point out that it's your fucking fault as well, and don't be stupid enough to get yourself killed again.

[ It's obvious from his tone that Dorian is trying very hard to keep a tight lid on how intensely annoyed he is with just about everybody in this bar right now...and how he's kind of failing at keeping a tight lid on that tone. ]

Edited 2023-06-20 01:37 (UTC)

...The bathroom thing? [He sighs.] God, it's not about the fucking bathrooms. It was never about the fucking bathrooms. And excuse me, but is con man worse than cheerful murderer? I get we're all on a level playing field of kumbayah everyone deserves a second chance here, but please.

[Neal pinches the bridge of his nose, reeling his own tone in hard.]

Look, all I wanted to do was... I don't know, try to fucking help with the mess I did in fact contribute to making. With my blood.

[That last part is added out of sheer pettiness.] Never mind, then. I hope you have a terrible day.

[He hangs up.]

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