Honestly, the fact that I've got a book written about how much of a prick I am puts me ahead of you two. You might have more grandiose ideas, but considering how you both bit it before said grandiose ideas were enacted, I think my long history of practical results trumps yours.
[ He takes a sip of his drink before continuing, ] I've driven quite a lot of people to suicide. Axe murdered an old woman, that part wasn't fun. Oooh, I drugged this interdimensional rock star thing so the crowd literally tore him apart. Murdered three people so that I could come back to life. I'm not sure if the sentient appendix monster counts as me per se, but considering it was my appendix that helped power the damn thing, I'll count it.
[ He has done it. And despite having taken Dorian off of the active enemies list, he wants to hear more. More information always better. Besides, he's got plenty of experience listening to long-winded assholes he doesn't like quite as much about things much more boring.
[ Oh no, it's almost like by casually mentioning something without much context, it gives him an invitation to talk more about himself.
Who could have planned this. ]
Your appendix is a vestigial organ attached to the large intestine. Most of the time it hangs out in your body, not doing much, but occasionally it bursts and you have to have it removed. Most people have it removed only when it bursts, but if you lie properly and say the right things, you can have your appendix removed as a preventative measure.
Back in the 90s, I was terribly depressed and didn't want to feel anything. I had my appendix removed so that I could go to the hospital and get the good drugs. That was the second time I had my appendix removed—same hospital and everything. Anyway, while I was recovering from the surgery and feeling absolutely wonderful, that's when a nurse and I discovered a monster stalking the hospital halls.
So you've got to understand that the normal appendix is a small little thing. But an appendix that's stored in a haunted hospital, a building full of suffering, haunted by the ghosts of the past, that's going to be different. Add in the fact that said appendix was taken from an immortal...
It grew. It grew stronger, taking whatever disposed flesh the hospital had to add to itself. It was a large, grotesque thing, a monstrosity that could barely talk, shambling down the hallways, finding more bodies to add to itself, more skin, more flesh in a vain attempt to become beautiful.
[ Dorian frowns, thinks things over, then pitches his voice very low, adds a disgusting little wet sounding gurgle to his tone, and groans, ] Beautiful.
[ He coughs a little before in his regular voice, ]
[ Florian's nose scrunches up in distaste at the whole thing. Ugh. DNW. Gross. No, no, no. It reminds him too much of the kind of horrendous abominations he'd see from the shore in Elendhaven. ]
Did it kill very many people before you killed it?
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Now you've done it.
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Honestly, the fact that I've got a book written about how much of a prick I am puts me ahead of you two. You might have more grandiose ideas, but considering how you both bit it before said grandiose ideas were enacted, I think my long history of practical results trumps yours.
[ He takes a sip of his drink before continuing, ] I've driven quite a lot of people to suicide. Axe murdered an old woman, that part wasn't fun. Oooh, I drugged this interdimensional rock star thing so the crowd literally tore him apart. Murdered three people so that I could come back to life. I'm not sure if the sentient appendix monster counts as me per se, but considering it was my appendix that helped power the damn thing, I'll count it.
[ He will go on for ages unless stopped. ]
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Nope, not stopping him. ]
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Some of that shit doesn't make sense.
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[ duh, Johann ]
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I don't know what an appendix fucking is.
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Who could have planned this. ]
Your appendix is a vestigial organ attached to the large intestine. Most of the time it hangs out in your body, not doing much, but occasionally it bursts and you have to have it removed. Most people have it removed only when it bursts, but if you lie properly and say the right things, you can have your appendix removed as a preventative measure.
Back in the 90s, I was terribly depressed and didn't want to feel anything. I had my appendix removed so that I could go to the hospital and get the good drugs. That was the second time I had my appendix removed—same hospital and everything. Anyway, while I was recovering from the surgery and feeling absolutely wonderful, that's when a nurse and I discovered a monster stalking the hospital halls.
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I can show you the drawings I have of yours, if you'd like. I'll bring them next time.
[ Then, to Dorian ]
Do tell us about the monster.
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What did it look like?
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It grew. It grew stronger, taking whatever disposed flesh the hospital had to add to itself. It was a large, grotesque thing, a monstrosity that could barely talk, shambling down the hallways, finding more bodies to add to itself, more skin, more flesh in a vain attempt to become beautiful.
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Of fucking course. You're so vain that even your organs want to be pretty.
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No.
Do it again!
How did you defeat it?
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What did it's voice sound like?
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[ He coughs a little before in his regular voice, ]
Kind of like that.
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Did it kill very many people before you killed it?