[He holds the cigarette out for Dorian to light, and takes a long drag as his friend talks.]
Well now that you've said it, we're probably going to get some kind of medieval hovel in the middle of Austria or something. There you go, scenic city, beautiful country views, not a drop of water in sight, everyone's got the plague.
You and Jon, probably. [He hums thoughtfully as he exhales.] And we do have a literal zombie on board now. D'you think vampires would catch the plague?
Depends on the vampire, [ said with zero hesitation. ] And depends on if they're stupid enough to drink from a plague victim. Dracula, probably not. Thorn Birds, absolutely.
[ Thorn Birds being Dorian's private little nickname for Father John. God that man is stupid. Cute, but stupid. ]
Still, maybe that means we'll get to relax a little, now that the worst thing we'll be facing for the next few months is outrageously obnoxious floods.
[And Tim raises an eyebrow right back as he smirks.]
Yes, but you're literally cursed, you saying it might actually work. I'm just a pleb under the thumb of unknowable powers who also happen to be massive dicks. [He takes another drag, making sure to deliberately play his fingers over his mouth a little longer than strictly necessary.] If it happens because of me, someone's doing it on purpose.
One, I'm not cursed. I made an agreement with the devil, that's different. I can go take-backsies at any time. [ That is still not helping his case! ]
Two, I'm also a pleb under the thumb of unknowable powers. Do you know why I came on the Barge in the first place? It's because one of said unknowable powers fucked my life up so hard that I decided to ask another unknowable power to help fix it.
More noble than me, at any rate. When I got here I was going to use my deal just to fuck up one specific iteration of the unknowable powers fucking us over.
I'm not cursed but I'm not noble, [ Dorian points out. He takes a drag of his cigarette, thinking things over, before admitting, ]
Both of my deals are to fuck up the devil. But with my first one, I specified that it wouldn't kill him. After all, who knows what would happen if I killed the thing that gave me my immortality? I'm too much of a coward to find out.
[Tim just hums softly, a quiet acknowledgement of the heavy admission.]
I'm not sure how much Jon might've told you about the Unknowing, since that's how we both died for the first time. But the monster in charge of it, Grimaldi- Nikola. She killed my brother, so. I just wanted to kill her right back. [He grimaces faintly.] Except she also got caught in the blast, so it wouldn't even have been a useful deal. I didn't even believe Jon about that for the better part of a few months.
[ It's interesting. Both of them took deals that were petty revenge disguised as something altruistic. Both of them also took deals that might or might not be useful in the end.
Dorian pauses before the admission continues. ]
My first deal was to destroy the body of my lover. He's dead. My lover back home. Toby's dead. But Lucifer managed it so that he could walk around in the shell of Toby's body. Looking like him, sounding like him, but just not him. My deal was to just destroy Toby's body but keep Lucifer himself alive—again, I'm a coward. There's still the chance that the devil could take someone else's body, that he could cause trouble in that way. But as long as it's not Toby, I just don't care.
[He manages not to raise an eyebrow, but just barely. And not for the reasons one might expect - he's remembering Dorian's earlier bravado about the Domains, once upon a time, and fully settling him now into the 'would get Absolutely Wrecked by the Stranger' slot.]
Toby's yours. And fuck everyone else, right? They're not going to be around to help you pick up the pieces anyway, so who cares what happens to them on the individual level.
[But his tone isn't snide, or cutting; it's the same neutral, conversational tone he's been keeping up so far. He just gets it.]
If you're that much of a coward, why not just ask for the painting with the enchantment intact, rather than keep yourself in debt? Severs that quite neatly, doesn't it?
[ Dorian can't help but let out a small chuckle before he points out, ]
Deal number two is going to be finding the bloody thing in the first place. After Lucifer took over Toby's body, he knocked me out, stole my portrait, then left. I've got no idea where the damn thing even is right now.
[ He takes a puff on the cigarette before, ] The only reason it's on the Barge is due to the Admiral's brand of nonsense.
Good to know spite remains a multiversal motivator. My current deal is still spite, technically. There was a, um. [He takes a drag, pursing his lips a bit.] A different creature, from the Stranger. It would- consume a person, rewrite the memories nearly everyone had of them, except maybe one or two people. I know it's dead, in at least one timeline, so. I want to get back the memories it took.
See, just calling it a supernatural whatever is so broad, it applies to practically anything. Including your lovely self, to which you would probably reply something like--
[And his grin widens, unbearably cheeky.]
"I ought to put something in your mouth to hush you up."
[ Dorian can't help but laugh at that, obviously charmed. So Tim and Jon had a little conversation? Makes sense. Though idly, Dorian wonders just how much Tim knows. ]
I stand by that flirting, [ he grins. ] Want the same for yourself?
[And Tim gives a forlorn, overdramatic sigh, shifting position to lean one elbow heavily on the rails to face Dorian.]
I'm afraid to have to disappoint you, Mister Gray - but now that my best friend has eyes on you I'm rather forced to put anything to do with your mouth vis a vis my body on the shelf. [Which he emphasises by butting out his cigarette on the final word.] I'm not one to sleep around with my friends' paramours.
[But his tone is still warm and amused. He's entirely serious, yes, but it's not like it's a problem.]
You'll just have to be happy with about... let's say seventy percent flirting capacity from me.
There's no accounting for taste, [ Dorian nonchalantly shrugs. But that small, besotted little smile that he has when he thinks Tim isn't looking easily tells that despite what he may say, Dorian really likes Jon as well. ]
[Tim absolutely does not miss that, because he's actively looking for it, and honestly it's kind of reassuring. That Dorian seems to be just as taken as Jon.]
I assume this is probably supposed to be the part where I give you the whole shovel talk, [And the amusement at the notion is thick in his voice.] But I suspect anything I have to say your own brain's already filed in triplicate.
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Well now that you've said it, we're probably going to get some kind of medieval hovel in the middle of Austria or something. There you go, scenic city, beautiful country views, not a drop of water in sight, everyone's got the plague.
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[ Thorn Birds being Dorian's private little nickname for Father John. God that man is stupid. Cute, but stupid. ]
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[He's pretty sure that's all of them, now.]
Still, maybe that means we'll get to relax a little, now that the worst thing we'll be facing for the next few months is outrageously obnoxious floods.
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Yes, but you're literally cursed, you saying it might actually work. I'm just a pleb under the thumb of unknowable powers who also happen to be massive dicks. [He takes another drag, making sure to deliberately play his fingers over his mouth a little longer than strictly necessary.] If it happens because of me, someone's doing it on purpose.
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Two, I'm also a pleb under the thumb of unknowable powers. Do you know why I came on the Barge in the first place? It's because one of said unknowable powers fucked my life up so hard that I decided to ask another unknowable power to help fix it.
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Both of my deals are to fuck up the devil. But with my first one, I specified that it wouldn't kill him. After all, who knows what would happen if I killed the thing that gave me my immortality? I'm too much of a coward to find out.
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I'm not sure how much Jon might've told you about the Unknowing, since that's how we both died for the first time. But the monster in charge of it, Grimaldi- Nikola. She killed my brother, so. I just wanted to kill her right back. [He grimaces faintly.] Except she also got caught in the blast, so it wouldn't even have been a useful deal. I didn't even believe Jon about that for the better part of a few months.
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Dorian pauses before the admission continues. ]
My first deal was to destroy the body of my lover. He's dead. My lover back home. Toby's dead. But Lucifer managed it so that he could walk around in the shell of Toby's body. Looking like him, sounding like him, but just not him. My deal was to just destroy Toby's body but keep Lucifer himself alive—again, I'm a coward. There's still the chance that the devil could take someone else's body, that he could cause trouble in that way. But as long as it's not Toby, I just don't care.
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Toby's yours. And fuck everyone else, right? They're not going to be around to help you pick up the pieces anyway, so who cares what happens to them on the individual level.
[But his tone isn't snide, or cutting; it's the same neutral, conversational tone he's been keeping up so far. He just gets it.]
If you're that much of a coward, why not just ask for the painting with the enchantment intact, rather than keep yourself in debt? Severs that quite neatly, doesn't it?
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Deal number two is going to be finding the bloody thing in the first place. After Lucifer took over Toby's body, he knocked me out, stole my portrait, then left. I've got no idea where the damn thing even is right now.
[ He takes a puff on the cigarette before, ] The only reason it's on the Barge is due to the Admiral's brand of nonsense.
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Good to know spite remains a multiversal motivator. My current deal is still spite, technically. There was a, um. [He takes a drag, pursing his lips a bit.] A different creature, from the Stranger. It would- consume a person, rewrite the memories nearly everyone had of them, except maybe one or two people. I know it's dead, in at least one timeline, so. I want to get back the memories it took.
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Looking a supernatural whatever straight in the eye and telling it to fuck itself is so reassuring.
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[And his grin widens, unbearably cheeky.]
"I ought to put something in your mouth to hush you up."
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I stand by that flirting, [ he grins. ] Want the same for yourself?
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I'm afraid to have to disappoint you, Mister Gray - but now that my best friend has eyes on you I'm rather forced to put anything to do with your mouth vis a vis my body on the shelf. [Which he emphasises by butting out his cigarette on the final word.] I'm not one to sleep around with my friends' paramours.
[But his tone is still warm and amused. He's entirely serious, yes, but it's not like it's a problem.]
You'll just have to be happy with about... let's say seventy percent flirting capacity from me.
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Though honestly? Seventy percent flirting from you is two hundred percent from other people. I can live with that.
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[He shifts and leans both arms on the rails, still giving Dorian one last up-and-down flick of his eyes before he looks back up over the rails.]
He really likes you, you know?
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I assume this is probably supposed to be the part where I give you the whole shovel talk, [And the amusement at the notion is thick in his voice.] But I suspect anything I have to say your own brain's already filed in triplicate.
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