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[brushoff]

"You've reached the inbox of one Dorian Gray. Don't forget to leave me a message. If you're interesting, I'll get back to you."

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[anti_altruisms]

[ Archer gives Dorian a flat, unimpressed stare. ]

We are not going to conform to what you think we should want or do just because you say so, Dorian.

I have no desire to fuck Kirei, and in fact the only person I do want to fuck is no longer on this ship. As hard as it may be for a hedonist like you to accept, not everyone wants what you want.

[brushoff]

Oh, I know that much. But do consider that I occasionally have a good idea every now and then. And I think this one might be one of them.

[anti_altruisms]

It is not one of them. The two of us fucking would be a far worse endeavor than what you actually saw us doing.

It’s not going to happen so I’ll ask you now not to suggest it to him or to me ever again.

[brushoff]

[ Archer, buddy, if you thought that would make Dorian have less questions, you're wrong. ]

Wait, far worse endeavor how? Which one of you has the world's worst kinks?

[anti_altruisms]

[ Archer seems irritated all over again at the question. ]

How many times do I have to tell you that not everything has to do with sex before you actually listen to what I say?

[ jfc Dorian ]

Our circumstances are complicated in a way I don’t feel the need to explain to you or anyone else. We aren’t going to fuck, and that’s the end of it.

[brushoff]

[ Yeah, Dorian doesn't believe that. But he simply raises an eye before continuing with, ]

Of course you won't fuck. You'll just beat the shit out of each other on a regular basis instead. Completely healthy.

[ A pause before, ] And yes I know you'll bring up the Godric thing again. But I never said I was a healthy example of a role model.

[anti_altruisms]

It’s healthy in the sense that it provides a sort of release that both of us want.

I won’t lie and say it isn’t fucked up because it is.

But again — there is no permanent damage to either of us, and no one else is being harmed by it.

I only brought up Godric to highlight your hypocrisy and to try and explain this in a way you would understand.

[brushoff]

[ There's a long pause before Dorian sighs. ]

You know, if I ended up finding out about this, it's only a matter of time until someone else does as well.

[anti_altruisms]

If that happens, I will deal with it.

In the meantime, I expect you to respect my privacy and his and not to breathe a word of it to anyone.

[brushoff]

Oh trust me, I'm keeping this a secret. It'll open up more questions than answers if I tell.

[anti_altruisms]

Good.

[ The bookshelf barricading the door vanishes. ]

I'd say that's all that needs to be discussed.

[brushoff]

I suspect it is. [ Dorian, shrugs. ] Have fun beating each other half to death.

[anti_altruisms]

We’ll beat each other extra hard next time just for you.

[brushoff]

Oooh, invite me to watch!

[anti_altruisms]

You called both of us ‘deranged’, and now you want to watch?

[ He’s not surprised, but still. ]

[brushoff]

Why not? I'm always curious to see who'll last longest.

[anti_altruisms]

Neither of us care for an audience. But even if that weren’t the case, I expect he’s less likely to forgive you for what you said than I am.

[brushoff]

Oh, I don't mind it if I'm not forgiven, [ Dorian shrugs. ] I've dealt with worse in my life.

[anti_altruisms]

You shouldn’t be surprised, then, that the answer is no.

[brushoff]

[ Dorian doesn't say anything. Instead, he gives Archer some pathetic puppy dog eyes. ]

[anti_altruisms]

Is that expression supposed to change my mind?

[ Because, spoilers- it’s not. ]

[brushoff]

I'm very cute and useful and sweet and you should do things for me.

[anti_altruisms]

While I’m sure you do enjoy telling yourself that, that doesn’t mean I’m going to do this particular thing for you.

[brushoff]

Spoilsport.

[anti_altruisms]

Someone has to be.

[ Archer looks pointedly at Dorian and his…swimwear. ]

I’m sure Kirei has left the Enclosure by now so you can get back to whatever you had planned.