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[brushoff]

"You've reached the inbox of one Dorian Gray. Don't forget to leave me a message. If you're interesting, I'll get back to you."

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[brushoff]

Most of my stories end in murder, [ Dorian admits. He adjusts his position so that he can give Jon a shoulder rub instead, trying something new as he talks. ]

Halloween's coming up soon, isn't it? If we have a costume party, I know what I'll dress as.

[epistemological]

You'll cut someone. It will be the most ridiculous demotion on the Barge. Turn your head and off pops Quigley's.

[ Those shoulders are sinking now too. He's very happy, really. ]

[brushoff]

Mmm, as obnoxious as she is, I can't kill Quigley. I've only talked to her a bit but I really like her girlfriend.

[epistemological]

[ That makes him peek up a little. ]

She has a girlfriend?

[brushoff]

[ Dorian continues rubbing circles on Jon's back, moving slightly so that he can lightly trail his fingers down the man's spine. ]

I don't think they're official? But Misty's so codependent they might as well be. Have you met Natalie yet? She just arrived. Admittedly, I know her best from that flood she showed up in, but I am keeping very quiet about that so as not to freak the poor dear out.

[ that flood she showed up in and that Misty IMMEDIATELY bothered Dorian about once the flood was over with questions about Natalie. ]

[epistemological]

[ He makes a noise of annoyance at the mention of Misty. But Natalie- ]

I like Natalie. Gave her a pack of cigarettes and bought her a lighter. We listened to the Sex Pistols for a bit. Misty's already threatened me over her.

[ After a moment- ]

Keep doing that please, it's lovely.

[brushoff]

[ And Dorian keeps doing that! He trails his fingers down before rubbing small circles back up, continuing the backrub. ]

You can do better than the Sex Pistols. That's a cliche pick.

[epistemological]

[ And Jon's head will loll to the side in obvious enjoyment. See? You're making him very happy. ]

Neither of us were... in the mood for anything special. Sometimes, the classics are good.

[brushoff]

[ This is still very weird for Dorian 'my love language is kink' Gray, but he can adapt. Hopefully. ]

This just means I need to introduce you to more music. You'll have more options that way.

[epistemological]

[ You've got an avatar of the Ceaseless Watcher in your bed, Dorian. You may just have to get Creative. ]

I don't need- I mean, I'm always up for more music but it was- it was just a moment to relax. I wasn't going to pop up with some last pressing edition of a song only produced in 1974 just for the novelty.

[brushoff]

I would, [ Dorian grins. ] A moment to relax is also a moment to impress people. We're going obscure, baby.

[epistemological]

I believe I've impressed her by not being the horrible monster Misty makes me out to be.

[brushoff]

I had drugs she could steal. [ shrugs! ] We each impress people in different ways.

[epistemological]

I hardly doubt it was the drugs. Though... I did send her your way. N-not for theft, after.

[brushoff]

What, because we both know I'm the same sort of fuck-up addict as she is?

[ He says the phrase 'fuck-up addict' like it's a compliment. ]

[epistemological]

[ Eye roll. ]

Because you know that if she's here... It's a symptom. Not the problem. And you won't judge her for coping.

[ He closes his eyes again. ]

I used to view my situation like that. An addiction.

[brushoff]

It's different for you, [ Dorian quickly points out. ]

We can quit. You can't.

cw suicidal ideation mention

[epistemological]

Technically... [ he breathes out slowly and keeps his eyes closed ] I could destroy my eyes. It would sever the connection with the Ceaseless Watcher. But...

It might also kill me. Since... what I am is all that keeps me from the End.

I do... I do have an option.

[brushoff]

No, [ Dorian says, without hesitation. ] You don't. Because even if you do die, there's no guarantee this thing would let you stay dead.

It didn't let me stay dead when I killed myself. Don't think you'd be different.

[epistemological]

[ There's a very sad, very hollow chuckle that's mostly smothered into the bed. No. Fuck it. They're having a good time. He pushes it aside to answer. ]

You're right, of course. I sever the connection with the Eye and I have no doubt one of the others would just take precidence. And if I tried to destroy all of those I'd just end up like the black knight from Monty Python. Worse.

How do you get rid of your ribs, after all?

[brushoff]

You know you've asked that question to the only person on the Barge who could easily remove a rib if he so chose, [ Dorian lightly teases. ]

I've gotten my appendix removed twice. Regrowing a rib should be easy enough.

[epistemological]

Having had two removed, I would prefer you didn't. If you want to see one, it's in my office in my desk drawer.

[ He breathes out slowly and nudges Dorian. Don't stop, please.

But once he's had a moment or two, once he's closed his eyes again, he lets the air out of his lungs slowly. ]

There's only one person I've ever talked to about it really. What it's like. [ as if realizing he might be going somewhere he shouldn't- ] But it feels... presumptive to assume I can speak on addiction, like you said. It's different.

[brushoff]

[ The massage continues.

Dorian has a sneaky suspicion as to who the person Jon talked to was. He'll keep that to himself, though. ]

Still, if you ever wanted to talk about it, I wouldn't mind listening.

[epistemological]

[ His eyes remain closed, at least the ones on his face, but the other eyes... those are now open. They're focused on Dorian, not so much because he needs to look at him as they need to look at something and Dorian happens to be the thing he likes most in the room. His voice is soft, achingly tired, and Dorian will feel it in the muscles beneath his hands: the tension at first and the slow release as he continues.]

It's not an addiction, you're right. But it is a... hunger. I can't forget the way it was, how it felt, subsisting primarily on written statements, chewing over the bones of a previous meal, eeking out the second-hand terror as I read them aloud. But it's... worse than that.

So much worse.

I think-

I think I'm more aware of just how fucked so many people in this place actually have been. I think- I think I know better than anyone just how much pain is locked up inside, just how much grief and terror and helplessness is in everyone here. Inmates. Wardens. It doesn't fucking matter. I'm a predator, Dorian. I. subsist. on it.

I smell it.

Not... not on everyone. I think there are some worlds, some- some people who for some reason or another, they muddle my senses but for most people here, the majority of people here, I can smell the statement under their skin, lurking in their bones, feel it hiding in the way they twitch or how they react when someone does that one specific thing that sets them off-

I Know. I know it's there and I- [ a darker chuckle ] and there is a part of me that wants to drag them into a corner and draw it out of them, reach in and say 'tell me' and know what it is, know why they're hurting. Even the best part of me. I don't, obviously. I wouldn't, I just- Henry accused me of wanting to be human, of wanting to be normal the other day and I-

In some ways, I don't think I even remember what that is anymore. I don't think I could survive like that. I might look human but the more I live in this skin, the longer I feel and know and smell and see what I see, the more-

The more I think that even if I get a deal and purge myself of the influence of the Entities, break the chain between us, I- I-

I still won't be human.

[brushoff]

[ There's a pause as Dorian takes all this in. There's a moment as he's quiet, continuing to massage Jon's shoulders before he asks, ]

Is it really that important to be human?

[ There's a pause before he continues. ] Technically, I'm human. I bleed, I break, if there's some lovely little nonsense that affects humanity, it'll affect me as well. But if we're talking experiences? Personality? I've got more in common with the monsters and the vampires of the world than I do anything human.

Henry didn't accuse you of wanting to be human because he thought you were trying to be human. Henry accused you of wanting to be human because you rejected the fucked up little Ubermensch ideal that he feels anyone who's more than a baseline human should aspire to.

[ Case in point: Dorian himself. He's had that conversation with Henry before. ]

What matters isn't trying to be human or fit in or not giving in to your hunger. What matters is trying to be a decent person. You're that in spades.