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[brushoff]

"You've reached the inbox of one Dorian Gray. Don't forget to leave me a message. If you're interesting, I'll get back to you."

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[brushoff]

[ A pause before, ]

In all seriousness? I probably don't. You know my tendency towards lovely, intense friendships that I mentioned earlier? They're all dead. And I already know I'm nobody's one and only here the way that you and Natalie or John and Arthur are.

[ Whoops, just ignore that bit of self-loathing, Dorian certainly is as he continues talking. ] I suspect the problem is 'someone who you don't want to learn secrets about you and Natalie is going to learn those secrets', but I'm honestly not sure why you're grumpy about that now considering that we get 'spill your trauma' bullshit thrown at us every month.

[citizendetective]

And if that happens with these secrets, I'll be pissed off about that, too. They belong to us, and no one else.

[Another pause, and she looks over at him as they walk, studying his face.]

Define "one and only". Did--

[No, scratch that; she's not going to ask if Natalie called her that. She knows the answer.]

[brushoff]

[ Dorian raises an eyebrow before continuing with, ]

By 'one and only,' I mean the one person in your life who you could share everything with. Who you care the most for. Who if they were in danger, you'd stop everything in order to see them safe.

Which obviously for you is Natalie.

[citizendetective]

I can't share everything with her.

[Misty says, a tinge wistfully. She wishes she could, sometimes. That type of closeness is something that she craves.]

No, that's-- Pagan, actually.

[She raises an eyebrow.]

And I'm surprised he isn't for you, too.

[brushoff]

He's the closest thing I've got to that, [ Dorian admits. ] But there are still some things I'm never going to tell him.

[citizendetective]

Because you don't trust him not to leave you over them?

[brushoff]

Because I don't want anyone to know them.

[citizendetective]

[Misty frowns, slowing a little. ]

Are you ashamed?

[brushoff]

[ Dorian pauses for a moment, thinking things over before he admits, ]

For some of them? Yes. But others? If Pagan knows, it would just hurt him. I'm not going to do that.

[citizendetective]

Why would it hurt him? Because it hurts you?

[brushoff]

[ A small sigh before, ]

Because these secrets are something I did for someone else but I'd never do for him.

[citizendetective]

Because you loved them more?

[brushoff]

Because I didn't realize how much what I did would fucking hurt until I did it.

[ They've reached Dorian's room. He hesitates for a moment before pushing open his door. ]

Come on. Maybe if I get drunk enough I'll tell you more details.

[citizendetective]

[Misty, still watching him closely, accepts this answer. The promise of more (maybe doesn't feel so much like a real maybe in this case, she thinks) helps with that.]

"One and only" doesn't really work for me.

[She says thoughtfully, following him in.]

I've always wanted a group of people like that. But I'm really glad that you thought that's what me and Nat were to each other.

[brushoff]

[ Dorian walks to his kitchen, gesturing for Misty to follow. As he talks, he rummages in his fridge for a chilled bottle of wine, gets two glasses from a shelf, and starts pouring. ]

Whereas I've never really wanted that group. You learn to keep people at arm's length when you're immortal. Gain too big a friends group and people start asking questions you don't want to answer.

I could only have the 'here's why I'm immortal' conversation so many times back home. Naturally, you can understand why part of me finds the Barge so fucking off-putting.

[citizendetective]

But you're still here, so...

[She leans against the kitchen counter, arms folded.]

How many deals do you need?

[brushoff]

Two. The first deal was to fuck over someone who decided to fuck me over. The second deal is to find something that was stolen from me. After that? I'm gone.

[citizendetective]

[She huffs. Of course Dorian, the warden, is allowed to fuck people over, while she, the inmate, isn't.]

Well, I'm really glad you're going with Pagan, even if he isn' your... person. You have no idea how worried I've been about him.

[brushoff]

[ TO BE FAIR, the person he's going to fuck over is the literal devil. The metrics are a bit different when your deal is to give two middle fingers to Lucifer himself. ]

You aren't the only one worried, [ Dorian sighs. ] Honestly, part of me can't help but wonder if the only reason he came back for a deal was because he was lonely. We both know he doesn't need the Admiral's help to get that island.

[citizendetective]

That's part of it. He feels like he belongs with the people here. But... he also wanted to help people like me.

He does help me, even though he doesn't totally realize it.

[brushoff]

Men like Pagan and myself are our own worst critics. I remain perpetually surprised I managed to graduate Trixie.

[citizendetective]

Oh, well, she was probably pretty easy, right?

[She takes a delicate sip of wine, and then tries for her first smile of the night. It's small and slight, but it's there, and it's real.]

[brushoff]

[ Dorian lets out a small chuckle as he takes a sip of his own wine. ]

Trixie was easy and annoyingly difficult at the same time. It's easy to pinpoint what's wrong with all the murderers and lunatics and come up with a game plan then and there. But how to you redeem someone who, by your account, didn't really do much wrong?

After all, Trixie's main problem was a crippling lack of self-esteem and a nasty tendency to pick fights.

[citizendetective]

The Barge does seem like a good place for someone with self-esteem issues.

[All that attention, all that validation from people like Iris...]

I don't get why it didn't pick me up when I was sixteen.

[brushoff]

Because you'd have to have died, [ Dorian bluntly responds. ]

Honestly? You should be thankful. Our squad of misfit teenagers...it's sad. Sad in both an emotional and pathetic sense. The wardens are sad because they have something they'd be willing to put their life on hold for at age sixteen, the inmates are sad because they've fucked up enough that they're on the ship in the first place.